Cape Town hipsters on fixies make it into Haiyibo.com…

Cape Town hipsters sweat ironically in post-cool heat wave

CAPE TOWN. As temperatures soar in the Western Cape, Cape Town’s hipsters are struggling to keep cool in a “post-cool” world. According to the city’s hipsters, who are most commonly found clustered around a Vida e or leaning against a graffitied brick wall jamming on their ukeleles, the ongoing heat-wave has left them struggling to cope both physically and conceptually.

“Obviously we’re sweating ironically” said Josh Trustfund, flicking his asymmetrical fringe. “We’re just not sure whether to embrace sweat as a creative expression of ‘post-cool’, or to shun it as too mainstream” he added. “I mean, we were sweating long before it was popular.”

Yoga teacher Fey Downward-Dogg explained that hipsters are particularly well designed to deal with extreme heat, having no more than 2 percent body fat. But, she said, due to their extreme levels of self-awareness, the average hipster will often not move for hours on end.

“And that’s when the heatstroke gets them,” she said. “When they’re in their slug-like torpor that they think is ennui but is just the natural resting state of the middle-class malcontent.”

While the hard-core have apparently sworn to continue wearing their cigarette trousers and skinny jeans despite the heat, unconfirmed reports have emerged of hipsters being rendered unconscious, in an un-ironic non-political way, after their trousers suctioned onto them with sweat and cut off blood supply to their extremities.

“It’s been hectic,” said paramedic Ivor Reeljob. “Just this morning we had to use the jaws of life on this one little oke’s pants. In the end we had to use the full kit to revive him: a bowl of children’s cereal, Gauloises and a Polaroid camera.”

However, some “mainstream” citizens have welcomed the weather’s assault on the boudoir-biscuit-physiqued hipsters.

“I just wish they’d go home from their after-after-after-parties and get actual jobs,” said retired blimp-maker, July August. “I mean, they can’t all be professional photographers, can they?”

Caleb Parentally-Funded-Loft disagreed.

“People think we’re hypocritical, just because we rebel against social norms by paying way more attention to them than anyone else,” he said.

“I mean, they’re just being, like, non-deck, because we made up for our lack of athletic ability by exercising our influence in the fields of listening to stuff and putting on clothes,” he added, before pedalling off on his fixed-gear vintage bicycle.

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